How to Thrive as a Trailing Spouse: Tips for a Successful Life Abroad

The expat life can be a wonderful life, full of new experiences. It’s a chance to meet new people, try new food, and appreciate a new culture. Unfortunately, the expat life can also be one filled with periods of loneliness, depression, and resentment, especially if it is your first trailing spouse experience. This can be particularly true in your first years overseas as you discover what it means to thrive as a trailing spouse. 

If you understand what the expat life may entail as a trailing spouse, you can be more mentally and emotionally prepared. It will enable you to have the best chance of having that wonderful expat life everyone expects. 

What is a Trailing Spouse?

The Cambridge Dictionary defines a trailing spouse as “the husband or wife of an employee who is sent to work in another country.” 

Some expat couples choose to become expats together. They both want to quit their jobs and move overseas to build a different life. Together, they choose this new life as a chance for personal growth. When only the husband or wife gets a job overseas and they move to fulfill that contract, the other spouse becomes a trailing spouse.

Personally, I do not like this term. In my mind, it doesn’t convey the unity required to successfully thrive as a family overseas. I prefer the term “accompanying spouse” or “accompanying partner” since it has a more positive connotation of teamwork. And believe me, successfully raising a family overseas requires a lot of hard work! 

Regardless if both spouses have overseas contracts, there is no reason to think that they can’t have very positive, fulfilling experiences. It is very important, however, for the “trailing spouse” to understand and be prepared for the reality that the contracted spouse’s new job will be in a very structured, supported environment with co-workers and a focused work agenda. Meanwhile, depending on the company the working spouse is with, there is a very real possibility that the accompanying spouse might have less support and be left alone to figure out life overseas. 

What are the struggles of a trailing spouse?

Those who move overseas and become a trailing spouse can have endless opportunities. Maybe before moving overseas, the trailing spouse had a career and with that, schedules and responsibilities were very defined. Now, as an accompanying spouse, the world is your oyster. But for some, these endless opportunities and loss of identity as a working spouse can also trigger loneliness, depression, and resentment. 

When this happens it is called Trailing Spouse Syndrome. Trailing spouse syndrome can happen for a variety of reasons. 

5 Reasons Why a Trailing Spouse Might Struggle

1. A New Language. Often when you move overseas, you also need to learn to communicate in the local language. Until you can, you either need a friend to help you or you figure out how to communicate on your own. 
2. Everyday tasks. The contracted spouse usually starts work soon after arriving, sometimes leaving the trailing spouse to figure out things like apartment hunting, utilities, shopping, schooling options for kids, and transportation. Again in a new language with new, sometimes unwritten red tape to figure out.
3. No friends. Although some might already have a friend or at least a friend of a friend in the new country, it takes time and hard work to build strong friendships. The support network found in expat communities is priceless and vital when dealing with cultural adjustment issues. 
4. Helping kids to adjust. Trailing spouses who have kids will need to help kids acclimate to the new country. Transitioning into a new school or finding playmates for young kids can be very stressful when living overseas.
5. Hard to find a job. It’s hard for a trailing spouse to find a job. Some countries have job restrictions for certain types of visas. While there are often plenty of English teaching job opportunities in non-English speaking countries, not every trailing spouse wants to teach. Other jobs might include schedules that conflict with the working spouse or kid’s school schedules. 

What to do as an Expat Wife?

In all honesty, more often than not, the wife is the trailing spouse. 

Though I did not come overseas as an accompanying spouse, I became a stay-at-home mom after my first child was born. Therefore, I didn’t experience the same struggles as a first-time accompanying spouse would, but I did have unique struggles adjusting to life as an accompanying spouse. You can read more about my expat journey here. 

When you first arrive in your host country, you automatically go into survival mode—learning all the new ways to function in your new environment. Over time, you will need to focus on thriving to avoid or alleviate trailing spouse syndrome.

Ways to Thrive as a Trailing Spouse 

• Join local and expat Facebook groups in your host country. These groups offer a wealth of knowledge for newbies and can serve as an immediate support network for those struggling with various issues. Even before you have friends, these groups can help!
• Ask if there is an Expat center in your new city. Often these centers provide counseling, culture and language classes for both kids and adults, or weekend outings. They are focused on helping people get connected and transition well. 
• Take a language class. Whether you are hoping to become fluent or simply learn enough to go shopping, you can find a class, language exchange partner, or private tutor to help you meet your language goals. Learning a foreign language will help you remember that you can do hard things. It will help give you a sense of purpose and it will help you understand the local culture better. 
• If you have young kids, find a local playground and hang out there. You will quickly find other parents, both local and expat, who regularly take their kids to play. You can also ask the Facebook groups about kid-friendly museums or other local events happening.
• Get a job. With the number of companies encouraging remote work, you could get a remote job from a company in your home country (or if you worked before moving overseas, ask if you can switch to remote). You could also look in your host country for a job. As I previously mentioned, English teaching jobs are usually plentiful overseas, but there are also a variety of other jobs. If you have kids attending an international school, you might be able to do voluntary work or even get a job there.  

Closing

If you have the chance to be a trailing spouse, you have been given a unique opportunity to not only experience new things but also explore who you are deeper. When given the chance, trailing spouses often discover new interests and talents previously unknown to them. I know so many expat wives who have learned new skills and have started their businesses serving other expat families. That is part of the beauty of expat living. Expats are often out of their comfort zone so much, they discover new interests and talents they possess that lead them down a new career path.

As an accompanying spouse, give yourself the freedom to rediscover who you are. You have been given a wonderful gift. 

Understand that life as a trailing spouse may look different than you are used to. Don’t be afraid to engage with the local people, culture, and language around you. Make new friends. Join a class or event that is new for you. 

Also, remember that it may be very hard at first. Learning how to manoeuvre in a new language, and a different set of cultural norms can be tough. Helping your kids adjust to their new lives as third culture kids might be a slow process. It might be hard to get used to not having the schedule and responsibilities that come with a job. 

Don’t be afraid to reach out for help. If you don’t know where to go, ask the local Facebook expat groups you joined. Or search online for counseling. Madonna Maurer, founder of Global Crossroads Consulting, focuses on helping people through cross-cultural transition. She would be a valuable resource to connect with. 

If you are enjoying life abroad, but feel like you are in a rut, check out this post about changing your perspective. All expats struggle to be an expat at times, these ideas will help you refocus.